Ask Miss Jia: Should I Tell Him About the Abortion?
Dear Miss Jia,
I won’t make this letter long and drawn out but I just need answers on what to do. I have been dating this guy for over two years and while things are great, we’re nowhere near the point of marriage or anything like that…at least in MY eyes we’re not. While I do love him to death, I still feel that we both have a lot of growing up to do. I’m 24, he’s 25. About two weeks ago, I started feeling a little queasy, took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant.
To date, I still have not told anybody but my best friend. In the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he was 100% against abortion. I told him that I felt that it was a woman’s right and because of that, we have used protection. I skipped a pack of birth control pills and look what happens.
Anyway, I have scheduled an appointment to terminate the pregnancy on Monday. So I really need help with this as soon as possible, Jia. I don’t know if I should tell him that I am having the abortion and risk him being angry enough to leave or keep it to myself and act like nothing’s ever happened. I don’t think that it’s being deceptive because he doesn’t even know that I’m pregnant. What do you think I should do?
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Thanks for writing this letter. You’re definitely dealing with a tough issue and it’s hard for me to really speak on it because I feel bad for the both of you…for you b/c you’re having to make a decision like this and for him b/c he doesn’t know and can’t help you with the decision that you’ve made. IMO, yes it is being deceptive. You two created a child together. He’s openly expressed how he feels about abortion and, well…the deception comes in with you not telling him that you’re pregnant and subsequently not telling him that you’re choosing to abort the child. In situations like this, you have to ask yourself…how would you feel if he kept a big secret from you? Would you feel betrayed?
I can’t tell you what to do with your body, especially given your situation and you stating that you’re not ready. But I do feel that it’s only fair to at least let him know, especially if you want to continue on in a relationship with him. Imagine if he found out about your abortion through other means?
Good luck….
March 10th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Tell him, but you probably need to do so WHILE breaking up with him. If you get an abortion and stay with him he is going to tell throw it up in your face every chance he gets. "You killed my baby" men do things like that.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:00 pm
YIKES..this one I can't joke about… If you have to ask about it, then you know it's not right. If you felt truly this was the way to go about it, you wouldn't even have a doubt. Therefore don't let this become some burden on you down the road, release it now and let him know what's up. He may be against abortion but people don't really know what they're going to do until it happens to them. So he probably won't be ready either but its better for you to know for sure than to wonder. As for your decision, since both of you started this maybe it would be best to talk it out. Yes it's your body and you can ultimately be the one stuck in the end but feedback never hurt.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
To add: Well feedback can hurt but if you already set on doing an abortion, hearing other opinions may be of some value *shrug*
March 10th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Wow, this is a tough one, but I'm going to agree with Jia. If he finds out another way, you could have more problems on your hand than a little bit. Not only that you want to continue the relationship, but not telling means you want it on YOUR TERMS ONLY and that is selfish. You need to give him the options whether or not he wants to stay with you. No, one can or should tell you whether to abort or not, hell if your not ready your not ready. Just remember abortion is not a substitute for you not taking responsibility in staying on top OF YOUR PROTECTION BIRTH CONTROL or not. Girl, GOD bless.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I think she may want to tell him, and let the chips fall where they may. I don't think she should have to go thru this alone.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
I have been in this exact same position. We had been dating 3+ years. I ended up getting pregnant and contemplated abortion. I told him I was pregnant and I also told him that I didnt think we were ready for a baby. He begged and pleaded for me not to have an abortion. So I kept the baby. We had gotten engaged and everything was A-okay up until my baby was 6 weeks old and my then fiance had left for work and he had left his cellphone at home and it had rang and I picked it up and it was another woman on the other line stating she was in labor and where was my "fiance". To make a long story short my son is now 10 without his father in his life. All this could have been avoided. Ultimately if this man is not responsible, u will be 100% responsible for this child. So I say this is 100% ur decision and no one elses.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:29 am
I understand honesty, however, this is her decision and I feel that there is nothing wrong with keeping secrets. I mean, as long as she hasn’t told anyone else about it. Similar to Lela Rochon’s role in waiting to exhale, when she finally told Whitney about her situation with her abortion. A woman sometimes has to make decisions that are best for everyone and in this case, I think that if she loves this person and wants to be with him and does not want to go thru the turmoil, she should keep it to herself. She has to make the decision that is best for her…Mama’s baby daddy’s maybe, while ol’ boy may be against abortion, that does not mean he’s going to step up and be 100 for the child.
March 10th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
When you're in a relationship, you don't pick and choose which secrets you want to keep if they involve and affect the both of you.
Be a woman and tell him because if you continue to be with each other and later on down the line, things get serious and he finds out… Do you think he'll be able to trust you? That's grounds for someone to break things off and never look back. You'll be upset with yourself over it.
If you aren't ready for a child, let him know that and do what's going to be best for you… However you shouldn't keep that from him.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Your 1st mistake, still being with a man after 2 years that u are anywhere NEAR marrying.
The purpose of sex is procreation so it always baffles me when women are SURPRISED that they get pregnant if they're havin sex (protected or not). In the words of Usher, that's what it's made for! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I haven't been there.
My question, if u know y'all need to "grow up," why haven't y'all "grown up" by now? It's like u know the solution but ur still just hanging onto the problem. Either grow up or move on.
And I have to agree with "anon's" comment. Right now, ole dude is talkin about this anti-abortion "I want my kids" mess but let's see where all of that is in 10 years when Little Jordan needs basketball shoes and uniforms. And u've already said this guy needs to "grow up," what makes u think he's "grown up" enough to take care of a child?!
My suggestion: Go with your first mind. Second guessing only causes confusion. But please no yourself, if u don't think u can look urself in the mirror on Tuesday after the abortion, don't do it. Out of all of this, u must still be able to be happy with u!
March 10th, 2010 at 11:43 am
i think that she should say something. yea dude is going to be hurt by your decision but at least give him the opportunity to speak his mind on it. yea its your body but it was the carelessness of the both of you that resulted in this pregnancy. that is some hurtful ish to find out your girl aborted your baby and didnt say anything. trust i know been there.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Do what you feel is right. You SHOULD tell him. That is the right thing to do hands down. And you should at least give him a chance to have his voice heard, or at least explain why you want to do it.
But I don't always do what I SHOULD do.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
If she tells him, she's screwed. If she doesn't tell him, she's screwed because she may accidentally let it slip later on. Moral of the Story: USE BIRTH CONTROL or ask him to wrap it up. There is no excuse for accidental pregnancies anymore.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
I'm hesitant to say yay or nay because they both hold serious consequences. But I can imagine if you were to go through with the abortion and not tell him you would start feeling guilty and end up telling him after the fact. My situation was a little different, I didn't tell my boyfriend but we were broken up and still having sex. I told him years later, we met up one night and we were going over the reasons we broke up, and even though at the time he made it clear he didn't want kids, he was upset that I didn't tell him years after the fact. The best advice I can give is make the decision based on what is best for you, don't decide based on how he feels. He can be gone tomorrow, but the decision you make will affect you for the rest of your life
March 10th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
*upset that I told him years after* sorry
March 10th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
She's stuck between a rock and a hard place. However it does disturb me how disproportionately high the abortion numbers are for black women. There is nothing wrong with using birth control. There's the pill, patch, shot, diaphragm, sponge, IUD, need I go on?
March 10th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
All I can say is tell him & try to remain friends because a relationship will not be good for you both in the long run if you go through with aborting the pregnancy. I’m against abortions myself but speaking as a person who’s had one and it was the worse mistake of my life ‘even though I was VERY young and not ready’, it can be depressing…I still blame myself to this day, I cry from time to time, I mean I murdered my own child w/ the help of the clinic is how I look at it something god blessed me with. It’s the worse and most painful feeling ever. Be happy with what has come your way, most women can’t have kids and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
bottom line its your decision if you hide it he Will eventually find out and the anger that he will have then let me tell you that aint what you want. tell him he might see what you see but you wont know either way if you dont tell him. give him a chance thats all im saying. when ol girl finally told me i was ready to go to the county but i dont know what i would have done or said if she had told me upfront. try him tell him in public if you scared
March 10th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
@ el_bougie.. so true! i found out though if a person throws it in your face like a child having a tantrum, not even thinking about how immature and hurtfull that is, dump em! i swear i up and walked out of a relationship once without giving him a chance to see me in person. he didnt deserve that with his hurtful immature way of communicating. to this day i feel it was right. so girl, if he even tries to do that bump dat
March 10th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
best comment
March 10th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
I agree w/ Griff, you should give him a chance. Even though my ex and I both agreed that we didn't want kids (and we did use birth control), when I told him what I did years after it happened, he was upset that I never gave him a chance to have an opinion. You can hear him out but in the end you still have to make a decision based on what is best for you and your future.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
First of all, you really need to step back and evaluate the value of the relationship if 1) you have been with him two years and have not considered marriage, and 2) if you don't trust him to take your feelings and the reality of the relationship into account when bringing a new life into the world. If he can't respect your decision of what to do with your body–IMO he is not worth being with. Make your decision, tell him what it is, and let the chips fall where they may…
March 10th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
Since when did a child become the product of one person? Why does this not hold up when you're in court discussing child support? Why doesn't the woman ever say…its my baby, he shouldn't have to take care of it? Because its not just "her" baby, and this whole idea of "its all the woman's decision" is just ignorant. Two people create a child, that child belongs to both (see my child support argument) and its really unfair to even consider terminating a child without speaking to the other parent. There should AT LEAST be a discussion.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
i had a similiar sitaution last August. I told him while also letting him know that i was firm in my decision to abort. I thought that would be the end of our relationship but it actually bought us closer together. If he loves you he will understand.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Some folks love to keep a secret in the beginning, but then they don't keep it til the very end. If chick can shut the heck up about it FOR LIFE then she might as well do what she wants.
But hardcore reality is that if they shared a bed, they might as well share the results of what happened in it. The worst thing in the world is to not trust the person you "love to death". Want proof? Here it is 'cause its sho nuff love to the death of the child that you share.
If she can't tell him this, then she might as well break up now. If he finds out, whether he wants a kid or not, its over anyway.
Clearly she knows that if she told him that he'd want the baby, in which case, if she's worried about that, she needs to have him sign a legally binding statement that gives him full custody.
I always say, "Will a baby before you kill a baby!"
March 10th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
I was just recently in this same situation. I have one child and he’s 9. I really dont want any more children. Im pushing 30 and I havent been pregnant in 10yrs. Trust I felt confused but my significant other really wants and wanted a child. We kinda found out together so I couldnt keep it from him but I did have the procedure and unfortunately told him it was a miscarriage. I feel that its your body and in the end you know what you can and can not handle. Ive never had an abortion and I always practice safe sex..but accidents happen. Be sure that you can live with your decision. The first few days I was sad and upset but I know that I made the best decision for me.
Good luck.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
I've had to deal with a situation like this and I choose not to tell the guy. I understand that it is deceptive, but if you already know that he is gonna to want you to keep the baby and that you getting the abortion will destroy your relationship, I say dont tell him. I am a parent and I know that men choose to be a parent. Im sorry, but it is true. Whether ya'll live together or not the sole responsiblity will fall on you. If that is not something that you are ready for have the abortion and dont tell him at all. It's your body, do what you want.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
I have been there and completely understand. My daughter doesnt even know who her father is. Father's dont have to be the parent. They talk that good game, but when it is time to do the work, they bail out. If she aint ready to be a full time single parent then she needs to have the abortion and move on.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
I am sorry about the situation you are in. This issue is a very complicated issue and no one wins. NO ONE wins at all. I just don't understand someone being so against your decision to abort yet he can't even man up and take care of his child. Wow. I wonder how many other women have had this happen to them as well?
March 10th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Yeah, this case aside, I am not sure that these women are not using birth control. Birth control births happen often. This shit is not 100%. It just isn't.
Also, don't get it twisted. They're counting CLINIC numbers when they get stats on abortion. Who goes to clinics? Hmmmm. Wonder how the stats would look if you counted the ones who went to private doctors?
March 10th, 2010 at 8:57 pm
No offense, but when pregnancy and labor become a two-party activity then we can talk. Bye.
March 10th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Nope, a ton of folks are screwing. Not all of these folks should be parents. Point blank. This whole "lie in your bed" argument works in a perfect world where all kids are wanted and loved. That is not true. Bring a child into a dysfunctional or destructive env't is not what is best for him or her.
March 10th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
You know what? This is interesting to me because a lot of people think it is just young girls getting abortions but it isn't. Married people in less than stellar relationships, who already had kids, have been getting abortions a lot more often. Not only the bad relationships but children add stress to an already stressful situation. I come from a 2 parent married household. There were 4 of us total. My parents could afford to have us and we didn't struggle or want for anything BUT I can tell you that their relationship is so much better now that our asses are out of the house.
They love us a lot but between money for this and that, school, college, car, bills, etc etc. Kids add stress. That is real talk. Yes we're all a bundle of joy but we add stress.
Sorry off on my tangent, things like this I don't judge because I have never ever had to walk in your shoes. You have to do what is best for you and what you know you can handle, not what society wants or believes.
March 10th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
Hi all, I am enjoying reading all the comments but would like to know why no one has mentioned adoption?! There are established families ready and willing to accept an unwanted child into their home & family especially a newborn. I wonder if this person has considered adoption as an option because it is an option.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I think she should tell him. Some men have a mindset that, if the woman doesn't want the child, he will take it and raise it. It may not be a lot of men who feel like this, but some do. Even though we women have to carry the child, the man is equally responsible in the creation and that child is as much his DNA and the woman's. I personally an against abortion, especially when the woman is an adult who consciously made a decision to have sex knowing the possible outcome. I can say that being that I am 11 weeks pregnant by a man I am not with and I honestly believe that he purposely tried to get me pregnant so that I would be with him. Yes I contemplated abortion, but I had a right to choose whether or not to lay down with him and I made my choice, so I have to deal with that decision and carry and raise this child.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:01 pm
She has to do what's best for her and the baby. If he wants what's best for them, she should be able to tell him. On a side note, I know "accidents happen" but abortion rates are getting way too high. If you're in a relationship & sexually active, what's the problem with using birth control? Some women act like they're allergic to it.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:18 pm
SAD, SO SAD….JUST SAD!
*smh*
March 10th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
@Southerngyrl*No offense, but when pregnancy and labor become a two-party activity then we can talk. Bye.
So when you decide to have Lil Baby then dude has no say and you dont want his help then either huh the whole situation is a two party “activity” you are right though neither of them wins in this one
March 10th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
xphaqtor Makes a good valid point.
It does SEEM like "In Court" there's 2 parents,
but in situations such as Abortion, there's (supposedly) 1 parent….Hmm, interesting?
Not Judging, Just Saying.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:43 pm
4REAL!!!!!!!
March 10th, 2010 at 10:45 pm
im sorry but thats just being selfish the man should know n if he dont want the abortion it not his decision but the females. when i got pregnate with my son i was scare to have him not cuz of the father but my parents. when i told the father he wanted me to abort to me it wasnt his choose but mine but he had the right to know i was pregnate but not the right to choose what i did with my body so talk to him.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
cosign
March 10th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
I think you should tell him that your pregnant, b|c its really just you being selfish in keeping this big secret to yourself. I had to deal with the same situation, wanting to terminate the child but not really thinking about what he wanted. Or even included him in my decision. It took a lot of time and thinking for me to do. Also a lot of praying b|c I didn't think I was ready, but if he's willing to be with you every step of the way, then go for it! In the end I chose to keep the baby and I am very happy with my decision. Good Luck!
March 10th, 2010 at 11:17 pm
In the end it is YOUR decision.
When a man has to carry a child for 9 months [watching what he eats, where he goes, how he sleeps etc], and has to go into labour, then and ONLY then does the decision come down to him.
HOWEVER, you should show him respect not only as the other parent of the child but as an adult with the ability to think for himself, and inform him.
Allow him his say, you owe him that.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:21 am
I'm not saying chick has to keep the kid, but clearly she's less into the relationship than he is, and if he's willing to take said child off her womb, then maybe she should do what's convenient for LIFE and not just her.
I'm not pro-life, I'm just saying that dude might want to be a father. If she's writing in, clearly she's conflicted following the beat of her own drum. If she was 100% on the abortion track, telling him wouldn't even be an issue. Afterall, its her body, she can do what she wants with it.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:23 am
Adoption isn't the more difficult option. Some folks wanna get the snip snip and keep it moving. I'm not saying its right or wrong, just what is.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:26 am
Shes' gonna be in a world of hurt if she kills the kid and stays with the man. Clearly he's into her but hopefully she'll re-evaluate the relationship 'cause honestly 24 and 25 is not young to have a kid.
March 11th, 2010 at 1:10 am
Eventually she'll feel guilt within, and might regret she never told her bf. However, yes it's deceptive not to tell him, but she knows how he'd react, which isn't in a positive way. She could tell him & he'd leave her OR she wouldn't tell him, and they'd remain a couple. Tough decision, but if I was in that situation, I'd do what's best for me. Selfish, I know. At the end of the day, it's her body, her livelihood and her ultimate decision. It's not in his stomach, so he's not the one with the tough decision. He could be the type to be understanding, but that's a long shot. Good luck.
March 11th, 2010 at 2:40 am
It's not his choice, really, because you're carrying the child and ultimately if things don't work out with you, we all know it comes down to the mama to step up and sideline her life plan for the child. But I feel like he's involved enough where he deserves to KNOW.
Even if he doesn't agree with your decision, it seems like you two have a strong enough relationship where he can support you… even though he may be a little upset at first that you scheduled the appointment behind his back.
If it was me, I wouldn't want to keep something like this all to myself… especially when I didn't get into the situation all by myself.
March 11th, 2010 at 3:34 am
True statement…and its interesting indeed. No one really speaks to or addresses that quandry.
March 10th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
right on and that a woman for you. if you laying down you have to live with what comes after now not everyone should keep there child cuz theres females out here that cant be parents. and that why this little kids need to stop sleeping around if you aint ready to man up lol
March 11th, 2010 at 3:58 am
I'm sorry 2 say but u need 2 think about urself in this situation. This happened 2 me….I wanted the abortion, he didn't….but I'm still a single parent and my son has only seen his father a hand full of times. The ? is can u take care of that child alone
March 11th, 2010 at 5:01 am
Honey you aren't the first women I've seen that happen too. Guys begging the woman to keep the child and then bailing once it gets here. Keep your head up.
March 11th, 2010 at 5:05 am
Cosign.
March 11th, 2010 at 7:42 am
Damn girl I am sorry to hear that!
March 11th, 2010 at 7:48 am
Sorry it sounds great but adoption rates for black babies in the US aren't what you might think. I don't think it is easier at all, consider growing attached and experiencing a child for nine months and then giving it away, without knowing what happens to it and possibly no future contact. I absolutely think that would be tougher. Of course it depends on your personal perspective on the issue and how you feel about a developing fetus vs a full term infant…
March 11th, 2010 at 8:00 am
Well, part of the problem is that people have to end up in court!! This is a major reason for the advice to go it alone from some of the comments. Why do fools have to get dragged in before the judge? Because they are not responsible for the child they "helped" bring in the world, sometimes only exerting as much effort as it takes to ejaculate. Thats all it takes, really. The reality is, men have the LUXURY to choose, which I don't see many women exercising (although theoretically they could but that would amount to child abandonment). Ultimately, it really does fall on the shoulders of one person, the bearer of said child. When and if it is alive and running around, hell yes there are two involved and hopefully they are both willingly active parents. When abortion is considered, it saves that potentially absentee parent from the trouble of a summons. I don't condone it, but this is just the way it appears to be.
March 11th, 2010 at 8:06 am
Uh yeah. I'm one of those extraordinary ppl who got pregnant while on the patch. No lie, I laughed when the doctor informed me two months along, I was wearing it in the office and still got my cycle and everything, just some discomfort I couldn't explain. She said sorry, its rare but can happen! So ladies, back up your back up just in case. My daughter has been a phenomenal gift but I'm trying to figure out if I can recover damages from ortho evra for lost wages, productivity, pain and suffering… let me know if anyone has any info lol!
March 11th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I had to read it twice because my mind wondered off for some reason. I think it is because of lack of sleep. I do think you for taking the time to post this.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:12 am
i agree with jia…whenever you make a decision u have to see it from both sides…if it were u te secret was kept from would u be mad??? thas the question u should ask yourself…now if u didnt know he wasnt against abortions that would be kinda anotha story but u already know its wrong cause he already stated he is AGAINST ABORTIONS….now yall both in this situation togetha so its not right that only one of u make the decision to fix the problem…none of us are really ready for parenthood but we also know the consequeces when u dont use proper percautions!!! goodluck hope all ends in a two way decision instead of ONE!!!
April 20th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
TOTALLY agree with you. I've heard from numerous people "im against abortions". Until it happens to you you sing a different tune. I say talk to him and hear what he has to say, but untimately is still your decision. I don't want to sound crass but how would you feel when you decide to have the baby and he later leaves you?! I have a couple of girlfriends this have happened to and they felt ABSOLUTELY betrayed.
May 31st, 2010 at 12:04 am
They really do throw it in your face. My boyfriend asked me why I killed HIS baby one night when we were talking after he had been drinking. The killer is I didn't know I was pregnant until AFTER I miscarried, but he did cause he noticed the difference in my attitude toward him. Needless to say that started an hour long "discussion." Strangely we are closer now then we were then and going on our 4th year of friendship.