Dear Miss Jia,
I don’t even know where to begin. Let me start by saying that I really would love to hear your view of this situation I’m about to share. I have been in an on and off relationship with a woman for a little over 2 years now. For the sake of concealing her identity we’ll call her Willow. We attend an HBCU in Louisiana. She graduated with her Masters this past May. She’s from Ohio and I’m from Louisiana. A family member fell ill after she graduated so she decided to leave her job in Louisiana and move back to Ohio. That was cool with me. Family first..I understand. What the fuck I don’t get is this shit…A few weeks after she moved back she calls me and tells me that her homegirl who she went to high school with is pregnant and they decided that Willow would help raise the child as his other parent since his father is not in the picture.
All kinds of shit went through my head when she said this. First of all, I found it quite odd. Nothing is wrong with the child’s mother. She’s not a slow, retarded, or on drugs. She is perfectly able to take care of her child. My thing is, why at the age of 25 would you even want to be a parent to another woman’s child when you have no children, just earned a Masters degree, just moved back to Ohio, and already have the financial responsibility of taking care of yourself and your Grandmother?? Please tell me if I’m tripin cuz it makes no sense to me.
I asked her if the girl was gay or bi. She says no. Is she lying?? Idk…Im wayyyy down here in Louisiana and she’s in Ohio!!! It gets even more weird. I talked to one of her best friends who’s a lesbian and she found this situation totally normal. Talkin bout “well to be honest with you, I have about 5 kids..I love them all and take care of them”. And I’m just on the phone looking like what the fuck?! Are these bitches serious?!!!! I almost had a baby cow Jia. Do you find this weird at all?? Willow loves kids but damn be a god parent!!! I don’t think she has to go that far and call the baby her child…So idk if she’s fuckin with this girl or if they use to mess around or if they’re all just crazy or if I’m the one that’s trippin. Willow wants me to move to Ohio after I graduate in December. I am sooo in love with her and I have no problem moving but I jst can’t get jiggy with this whole lil situation and it’s not changing. She’s told me before, If I cant accept her and “her child” then I need to go…and it’s looking like I’m bout to be chasing pavements like Adele baby cuz I can’t deal….PLEASE HELP
Dazed & Confused
Hello and thank you for your letter (my apologies on being so late in messaging you back)!
I honestly think that you’ve answered your own question in this situation. You said that it’s not something that you can get jiggy with. If you already know this, AND you said that it’s not changing, there’s no point in continuing on in the relationship. The only thing that’ll end up happening is you’ll (possibly) become resentful, throwing it up in her face every time you two had an argument. No, I’m not saying that you’re petty, but at times, human nature will kick in. You’ll think of the sacrifice you made in moving to Ohio with her if something goes awry, and next will come the mention of the child.
While I have seen many of my gay (male) friends refer to some other gay men as their ‘sons,’ I haven’t seen or heard of lesbians just…taking on other people’s kids. I’m partially part of the crew, and I can honestly say that this is even new to me.
As stated, if you already feel in your heart of hearts that you won’t ever be down with the decision that she’s made, and she’s TOLD you that if you can’t accept it, you can go, you already have your answer. Just agree to walk away from the situation amicably and wish her well in the future.
I wish you much of the same!
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