Dear Miss Jia,
I’m writing to see if you and your readers could share your expert opinions with me! I feel like I’m literally going crazy over here! Lol. Hope its not too long! I’m just gonna jump right into it, but where do I begin…
So, I have this really good friend who I met back in high school. We weren’t really all that close back then, which I often regret, but there was DEFINITELY mutual love and respect in the midst. Ever since the first day I met her in our 6th hour English class I was hooked. I dug her laid back personality, her semi stud-like appearance and her killer smile, anchored by two perfect little dimples. There was something that I just HAD to get to know more about in her. At the time, I was still trying to figure out my own sexuality and was really unsure, and even insecure about myself as a person, let alone dealing with being a lesbian. Sn: With the upbringing I had, homosexuality is SO a “no go”. Anyway. All during our junior year, I’d be stuck in class with her practically drooling over this cute little African hottie slash transfer student like ALL THE TIME. lol. And I was miserable. Seriously miserable.
But nevertheless, my friend was there, so I dealt with it. Unfortunately, our time together was short lived. She was only at my school for a year. Due to her personal living situation, she was forced to move from city to city on a regular. So, when I found out that when wouldn’t be coming back to spend senior year with me I was heartbroken. I just knew I would never get the chance to tell her how I felt about her since day one. As a last ditch effort to keep a connection, I wrote her a short and sweet little note. It pretty much just said how I regretted not getting to know her more and “don’t be a stranger.” I closed it with a reminder that I’m just a phone call away. Sadly, she never called.
That was June of ’04. To fast forward, it’s now December of ’07. So one day, I’m at work looking out the window at the frigid wind, and what looked like a long winter ahead. And lone behold, who’s smile catches my eye?! To say the least, I was GEEKED!! And come to think of it she was too. We both ran to the door and hugged for what felt like a blissful eternity. We talked for a few minutes, exchanged numbers again, hugged, and parted ways. The devastating part is that she was just moving back home and I was literally THREE days from moving NINE HOURS AWAY! I.WAS.CRUSHED. During those three days we talked non-stop. Caught up on the past few years and reminisced about the good ol days. I was finally able to come out to her about me being gay. She told me she knew before I even did! I guess its true that you can always recognize family! LOL. She then went on to say how she thought I was into her back then too! Please don’t be too hard on me, but I lied. I told her I never thought about her in that way. I know, i know… I’m an idiot! I was just really scared and still had chronically low self esteem. I was just too afraid of rejection and it just all happened so fast! I regretted it the moment I heard it leave my lips! It was the perfect time to tell her how I’d felt for all those years and I had chickened out! UGH!! Anyway, I digress. So, the time came for me to leave. We said our goodbyes, both sad that I was leaving, and that was that. This time we didn’t lose touch tho. We talked pretty much everyday while I was gone. Our friendship grew tremendously, as did my love for her as a friend, women, and over all individual. We talked about everything too. We both were doing our own thing when it came to our other relationships but were always there for each other no matter what. I loved it. Once, she even told me that she wanted to be my “first” and that if she wasn’t in a relationship at the time, it could’ve happened… We would always end our converstations w/ “I love you and good night” which totally melted my soul. If she only knew…
Now, to bring this walk down memory lane to the present, I’ve moved back home and have YET to find the right time to pour out my heart to her. I just can’t for the life of me understand why or maybe more importantly, HOW. The things that go thru my mind are when do I say it? How? Should I write her a letter? Texting is wack. It has to be in person so I can see her beautiful face when she learns my hidden truth. Should I even tell her?… Ugh! Idk why I’m making this so difficult! We’ve been spending so much more time together recently too. We can just sit and talk for hours about anything. I’m so lost. I’ve forced myself to watch other girls break her heart time and time again, all the while knowing that I could love her so much more that those girls could ever even imagine. I’ve witnessed her try and fail at finding the meaning true of love and happiness when I believe it’s always lied in me. We have so much in common too. We think the same and can finish each other sentences at times. We’ve both said how refreshing it is to find someone who thinks like we do and gets where we’re coming from. When we’re together I can just feel the chemisty. I know there are mutual feelings in this relationship and I want so much more. I’m willing to do any and everything for her. I want her to let me love her the way that no one has ever loved her before. I want to show her that love isn’t just to good to be true. That it can still be magical and not just all an illusion. I wanna learn how to love even deeper with her. I want to cook, clean, and wash stuff for her. I want to carry the seed for her that she dreams of one day loving and nurturing more than either of us have ever felt. I really think I love her…
Wanting to be loved back….
Thanks for writing. This will probably be one of the easiest responses I post to the site. Truthfully? You’re overthinking it. I think that your issues with self esteem and rejection are getting in the way of you simply telling her, face to face, what you just told ME via email. From what you’ve shared of her, it sounds like the feelings could be mutual but with your past, you’re not seeing it for what it is.
You def. put your foot in your mouth when you told her that you didn’t think of her in that way when you truly had. The best thing to do now is invite her over and tell her how you feel…just as you did in the email. I’m sure she’ll be pleased (but not surprised lol).
Good luck and update me on how it goes!