Dear Celebrity: Keri Hilson

*Please note that the opinions reflected in the “Dear Celebrity” section may (or may not) be the opinion of Miss Jia! In other words….I DID NOT WRITE THIS or any Dear Celebrity letter to follow!

Dear Keri Hilson,

I, like many lovers of good music and personal style, have patiently waited for the day where I would awaken to the news of a fire in your Atlantic Station apartment building. Or even a freak accident involving your tour minivan along the rural roads of Mississippi. Sadly, this day has yet to come… but hope still lives in the hearts of the righteous.

(Caution: Long read ahead)

Some nights I lie in bed on a conference call, with my close circle of friends (and the Armenian b-tch who used to tint my eyebrows), asking why we would be so unfortunate as to have to endure your excruciating vocal assaults, abrasive looks, and laughable fashions. We’ve come to the only logical conclusion: God has you blocked on His heavenly timeline. He knows not what you do. He knows not how we suffer.

Judging from your random self-empowering outbursts on Twitter, it has come to our attention that you feel as though you have “haters” in the world. Oh, contraire madame!! We are not haters, per se. We’re simply tired of your drab and talentless ass life, for a number of reasons that I’ve chosen to outline as we move forward:

1. You tried to bring back the fucking “rat tail” for women. This is not 1992. You are not Master Splinter. Like seriously…… the f-ck were you thinking??

2. Your singing reminds us of why vocational schools exist. In the words of that earnest dromedary prophet, Shawn Carter: “It ain’t for everybody.” They should’ve never gave you niggaz dreams. And by niggaz, I mean you. And by dreams, I mean vocal cords.

3. You dress like that nigga from The Mod Squad. I’ve walked through the Misses section at Belk’s and been more inspired than I have watching your red carpet looks. I’d rather piss Zatarain’s Concentrated Shrimp & Crab Boil for the rest of my life than have to spend an hour in your closet. Fire your stylist. It’s clear that she hates you, and is probably fucking your little brother simply out of spite.

4. You couldn’t sell an album to your own damn mother. You’ll never see a platinum plaque that isn’t on the wall of one of your industry peers who feels sorry enough for you to invite you over for dinner to discuss job opportunities at local Waffle Houses and title pawn offices.

5. Your music videos look like the morning announcements at my high school. Every time a Keri Hilson video receives a YouTube hit, you can bet the creator of Windows Movie Maker is sitting back in an office somewhere, laughing his a-s off and counting his traveler’s cheques.

6. You have that ONE. DRY. ASS. RUN. The SAME DAMN RUN. No matter how hard you try to remix it, speed it up, or slow it down… it’s the same.fucking.run. You ain’t fooling nobody.

7. You have about as much sex appeal as a phone-bone session with Venus Williams. I’m sure the mere mention of your name causes vaginal dryness and severe erectile dysfunction all across the globe. I’m convinced that if you ever released a sex tape, the American porn industry would collapse within a matter of hours.

8. You make me ashamed of the fact that I ever liked vagina. This one is pretty much self-explanatory.

I’m sure by now, you and your camp of spineless handlers are asking: How can we remedy this situation?? The answer is quite simple.

Move to Croatia. Pack yourself a duffel bag full of boxer briefs and strap-ons, hop on that standby Delta flight, and NEVER. LOOK. BACK. You’ll thank me 12 years from now when you’re named Butcher of the Year in your province, and all the townspeople throw a dungeon orgy in your honor.

Or just die. The choice is yours.

Yours in Christ,

Princey.

199 comments on this post.
  1. alexis:

    LMFAO! Keri has "haters"? I thought she was just one…..*kanye shrug*

  2. Camille:

    well damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Azania Nefertari:

    Lmfao, I cant !

  4. toni2real:

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! who ever wrote this needs Jesus for real!!! who the hell devotes so much time to HATE some one and wish them dead? it's as simple as "turn the mutha lovin station….silly rabbits! I love KH cd. chile boo!

  5. @thepbg:

    Go Princey!!! Your efforts in thwarting this nemesis will not go unnoticed once we're all rid of this weak link in the entertainment chain. I will personally see that Krispy Kreme names a specially designed donut after you…"The Princey". What an distinct honor for the man that ran that raggedy Keri Hilson out the country.

  6. Tiff:

    YIKES! thats all I can say about that 0_O

  7. Wow:

    This seems like more of a letter that should be directed towards Rihannas non talented ass instead of Keri. I think people tend to forget that before trying out this solo thing. Keri was a well known and respected song-writer. At least she has SOMETHING to offer unlike Riri's useless ass.

  8. Lisa:

    Reads, laughs and drops…

  9. babycute:

    This is sad on soo many levels smh

  10. @wisewomandre:

    This person is definitely the one that needs Jesus. This letter is just sad on ALL levels..:-(

  11. Nia:

    Wow, Keri Hilson is not one of my favorites but this sounds like this came from the mind of one deranged. Wishing death on someone for lack of talent is never funny. Funny how Princey has seen all of the videos and seen performances. I don't like Christina Aguilera but I couldn't critique any performance of hers once I figured that out. I simply turn the channel when she comes on. I suggest you do the same. Your "dislike" sounds a little unhealthy.

  12. no comment:

    Ms Keri Baby!

    I can't wait for her to drop her new cd!

    Opinions does NOT = Hater..everything isnt for everybody and thats ok FYI

  13. jj_88ak:

    princey your pathetic…what a terrible boring life you must have if you can devote so much time into hating someone…maybe u just hate urself and ur lack of talent? You are one weak, childish person who hasnt got much to offer the world except pure hate and tell me how is that goin to help anyone? Go out find a hobby, get a lover whatever cos right now your life is clearly so pointless that all you can do is write about how much you hate someone..

  14. Mibby:

    Ummm… She’s the reason why some of you’re favorite artists have Platinum plaques. Im her words “Check the credits hoe” smh, this much time shouldn’t be devoted to someone you hates life. And While I am not a huge fan of Keri’s solo career (I really think writing was her strong suit), I believe she’s better than some other women in the game today.

  15. Mibby:

    EDIT

    *In her words // *someone you hate’s life.

  16. Pas :

    Death threats aside, I'd say Ms Hilson has been thoroughly read…..
    "Fire your stylist; it's clear that she hates you." Love it. I'm going to incorporate that in my every day conversations going forward.

  17. who cares = i don't :

    …cos Beyonce is so much more talented than her, right?

  18. alexis:

    absolutely! you can't even put them in the same sentence!

  19. Kim:

    I'm not a big Keri fan, but geez…my feeling are kind of hurt now lol.

  20. G!!:

    i truely never believed in haters before i read this "Dear …" letter!!

    i just thought haters where of the way of unicorns, the illuminati and The Dream's talent… fictional, non existent…

    apparently haters are REAL (and love to wish death upon others, according to the letter)… perhaps i might be wrong about the illuminati too… hmm?

  21. alexis:

    please, let go of Scary Hilson's clitoris! Can I sing, no. Can I dance, no, but can Keri, HELL NO! I can't sing or dance & that's why I DONT! So what is her excuse for her raggedy ass singing voice & wack dancing "skills"? ….. don't worry I'll wait!

    & who the hell says I have to like her?

  22. jess989:

    Princey sounds like a Beyonce stan lmaooooooooo
    I don't care for Skeri Hilson. She's a studio singing video vixen at best. Her performance at the '09 BET Awards was WHACK, especially at the end when she went "acapella" and started dancing like Elvis instead of MJ. She and Gay Songz are overrated, mediocre, pseudo R&B singers. I just don't care enough about them to write some long ass letter wishing them death.

  23. AkaSista:

    oh, just get over yourself already, it's his opinion and it's funny.

  24. Dimes:

    Agreed

  25. AkaSista:

    is that really a question? or you're just trying to be cute?

  26. @thepbg:

    LMAO!! Shut your raggedy mouth up on this here INTERNET!! Stop acting like Keri Hilson gives a good goddamn about you. She ain't cuttin' a check for you. She needs to keep the little she has all to herself.

    And don't you type another word to anybody here until you learn to spell. Only thing worse than Keri's alleged singing and dancing is an illiterate Internet stan. Go sit down! ROFL!

  27. hmmmm:

    Wow,that was a tad bit too serious. Can you bring God into a letter like that? This person clearly needs help. Wishing death on someone isn't funny or cute. Whether 'princey" like her or not its not that serious. And I'm sorry, if you and your friends sit around wishing ill will on someone else or even talking about what this person is wearing, doing and seeing…I would suggest you get a life. Because as much as you can't stand her, she has been in the game for 10 years and she is far from broke.

  28. @smashedthehomie:

    LMAOOOO! I love it.

  29. @thepbg:

    As I scan these comments, it is increasingly clear to me that the worst entertainers indeed have some of the dumbest fans on the face of the planet. No shade, but I think the only way Keri has been able to get as far as she has is because, as I've said for years, most people are just stupid as butt-f*ck. Those without great talent will always cater to the lowest denominator and that sector of the population just isn't intelligent enough to know that they're being fooled.

    Keri doesn't have any haters. Jesus had haters. MLK & Malcom X had haters. Obama has haters. Keri just has a few people who just ain't feelin' her weak ass. I'm sure she'll be fine.

  30. Arrielle Brown:

    Wow….let me start by saying You did have some funny ass one liners in this. Hilarious. Now with that said, this letter is full of shit. Keri has talent, she had one of the biggest songs of the year. Keri has sex appeal, doesnt anybody remember the Love in This Club video, ol girl was sizzling. She does have style, she's had a few great red carpet moments, minus the rat tail. And evidently she's sold albums because she's of relevance to you. But hey, Im no Keri Stan, not at all, but she'll always get cool points from me just for the simple fact that she wrote Take Me As I Am by Mary J. Blige. It is what it is…

  31. @DmiLlz0703:

    I'm disappointed with MIss Jia for even allowing this letter to be posted. wishing death on the next person is never cool and as they said god is watching…. but anyway… if Keri Hilson never had true haters, well princey just proved her wrong. I mean if i didn't like someone that i didnt personally know, best believe im not spending all this time to write this long boring behind letter…. Princey get a life and learn to love your sorry self. all this hatred isn't warranted

  32. alexis:

    this gives me life!

  33. Michelle:

    I thought it was funny…I don’t think these letters are supposed to be taken seriously I just think its a “what if” situation….kinda like in a “perfect world”..but then again..maybe I just have a sick sense of humor *kanye shrug*

  34. Princey.:

    !!!!!!!

    Oh, Peebs…. *lays in your hair*

  35. @_Atil:

    This quote gave me life lol They should’ve never gave you niggaz dreams. And by niggaz, I mean you. And by dreams, I mean vocal cords. I LOVE it!!!!

  36. @thepbg:

    I'm gonna need everyone…EVERYONE here to go to dictionary.com & look up the word satire and then come back.

  37. Miss Jia:

    I am not going to please everybody. Just as I have my own opinions (and you posted yours here), this person does too.

    The purpose of this part of the site is to allow readers to air their grievances. Most people aren't going to start a blog simply to say "Oh I don't care much for _____." I saw an available outlet that other blogs weren't doing, so I opened it up.

    I don't agree with EVERYTHING in the letter and you're right…wishing death on anyone IS a bit much. But I guess you'd have to know the writer of the letter to know his sarcasm.

  38. Miss Jia:

    You hit the nail on the head…as did @ThePBG

  39. [fung'ke][blak]chik]:

    far from a keri hilson fan, i can't even name one of her songs, but this post fails at snark & satire when you wish death on someone..

    chances are, one of keri songs that she has written and has publishing rights to (which you make more $$ off of than platinum albums) is on each and every one of your ipods/mp3 players.

  40. Almost Famous:

    WELL DAMN..THEY MADDDD

  41. @carissarho:

    Girl, THIS!!!! Sick sense of humors unite!

  42. @biglilkim:

    How dare u talk about Mz. Kerry Baby like dat Princey…hope you got your burka ready! AKA I love it, solider for hoodrat ish!

  43. @carissarho:

    Princey!!!!! *cuddles*
    1: The letter is hilarious.
    2: It's Princey's opinion
    3: If you read the ENTIRE letter only to say PRINCEY needs a life…well then….Eh.

    *tip toes out*

  44. Crystal:

    I LOVE YOU AND YOUR SITE MISS JIA!!!! lol :-)

  45. DanaJae:

    i understand that this is their opinion, but this is just ugly to me

  46. yammy223:

    lmao this is hilarious, reminds me of that beyonceitis blog. y r ppl gettin so mad? its not that serious ppl chill, get mad over something that directly affects ur life lol

  47. FallenNstar:

    This is the BEST hate mail ever written, damnit!! lol. Princey, you rock my world you do.

  48. @thepbg:

    That is so, SO true! I'm sure I have one of the songs she's written for others in my iPod, I probably love it.

    With that being said, Ms.Hilson should stay in her lane. Singing & dancing is not her forte'. http://www.knowyourrole.com

  49. @Katchin05:

    Homie said "earnest dromedary prophet".
    I was no more good.

  50. AkaSista:

    Please Jia no need to explain yourself, it's YOUR site isn't it? That letter was funny. And if people really think that he'd wish her death then….they need to lighten up.

  51. @lolamarya:

    Regardless as to whether I like Keri Hilson or her music, this was effing HILARIOUS.

  52. lol wow:

    loser ass haters

  53. Imnotshock:

    Whoever this person is need some help & I hope if they talk to their friends about how much they hate Keri. Their friend will be a real friend & get them the help they need mentally.Not laugh & joke as if it's a comedy joke.Cause the entire letter scream I need help mentally from start to finish.smh

  54. Imnotshock:

    s/n Even if it is a joke or ha ha whoever had the time to think all this still needs help.

  55. but....why?:

    lol yeaaa when i was reading this im like 'hold on, this could apply to RiRi non-talent ass as well' but rihanna has something keri doesn't have, some good singles and an even BETTER team backing her. keri on the other hand? *sigh*

  56. @KraZyLiKeWoW:

    I honestly thought this was hilarious because that was its intent! and probably one of the reasons Miss Jia put it on the site. I swear you people go super hard for celebrities like they ur mama and pays ur bills!! Chill out,, only a fool would take this letter seriously to the heart. You are not Keri Hilson so there is no reason you should be offended by someones comments that aren't directed at you. There is nothing wrong with being a fan,, but yall take it to the extreme sometimes. Im pretty sure Princey is not really wanting or expecting Keri Hilson to die,, exaggeration causes comedic effect so if he didnt go humorously hard on Keri it wouldn't be that funny. and in case you are wondering I like Keri Hilson but have any of you been to a concert of hers? I have and homegirl needs to stick to writing tunes

  57. but....why?:

    RIGHT! don't disrespect Bey by putting them in the same sentence. thanks,bye.

  58. @dinastyinc:

    First off, before I even read these comments, I'd like to say that Naldo is a DAMN FOOL! Just when I thought his hatred for @MissKeriBaby couldn't get any worse……….LOL! Now let me go read…..

  59. @dinastyinc:

    With people like you coming to the defense of Keri………………
    Do you even know the definition of belligerent is? Well, Merriam-Webster defines it as being inclined to or exhibiting assertiveness, hostility, or combativeness. Now before pots set out to call kettles black, it is imperative that you have the necessary…skills….to back up your argument.

    It's called grammar. It's called punctuation.
    Take your words, turn a mirror on them, and then come back and try it again.

  60. @dinastyinc:

    Yeah, poor Keri. If she had Rihanna's management team backing her, Keri could actually have grounds to talk shit. LOL

    Cause Rihanna could never sing another song in life, and I for one would be okay with that.

  61. Michelle:

    None of this applies to Rihanna IMO.

  62. @dinastyinc:

    unicorns, the illuminati, and The Dream's talent…….
    How DARE you put them all in the same sentence!? LMAOOOOOOOOOO

  63. shadry86:

    You can't question RHI talent if you want to but plzzzzzzzz don't not question her style and sex appeal.

  64. Michelle:

    I'm not a huge fan of her, but this is just stupid.

    On the other hand, Keri Hilson is an average, run-of-the-mill R&B singer/songwriter. I wouldn't exactly use that to explain why she should be in the music business.

    In the words of Jia, "Keri Hilson is pretty…."

  65. @dinastyinc:

    I think this most embodies my opinion about Ms Hilson. Sure she's had some hits and misses, but she's not the worst music artist in the world.

    She's a hook singer, at best. In my opinion, she should've never left "The Clutch" because everybody knows that the money is in production anyway. Engineer. Song writing. Track producing. That's where you get your coins. Cause it damn sure ain't from points off a CD.

  66. @dinastyinc:

    "Jesus had haters. MLK & Malcom X had haters. Obama has haters. Keri just has a few people who just ain't feelin' her weak ass. I'm sure she'll be fine."
    ^ If that was not the best damn comment I've EVER seen about this movement called hating……..

  67. @dinastyinc:

    For real though. If anybody is taking this whole "death threat" thing seriously……
    But I guess you have to know Princey prior to this to get his sense of humor. How unfortunate for y'all.

  68. @N2K07:

    ugh you give me life

  69. @thepbg:

    Yes! UNITE!!!!

  70. Monk:

    This letter is gay. NTTAWWT

  71. @lovely_els:

    im sayin

  72. MsDiva:

    It’s clear that u have way 2 much time on ya hands!!! Plz find somthing constructive to do. Kerri making money & I kno no one is paying u for your opinion…

  73. MUNCHOSGIRL:

    Credits: Hilson, Keri (Songwriter); Lewis, Ezekiel (Songwriter); Nelson, Candice (Songwriter); Nkhereanye, Thabiso (Songwriter); Smith, Lonny Liston (Songwriter); Suecof, Jordan (Songwriter)

  74. ladiinikki:

    I love your comment, especially the last part!

  75. @MJin3D:

    It's so messy… and I like it.

  76. Ayo Jo:

    Yea I'm not a fan of "just die" or "kill yourself" statements. I'm also not a fan of hate just for the sake of hating. There's reasonable hate but it got lost in this letter.

  77. Mizz Bozz :

    My soul has been stolen from me! LMA000!!!

  78. Brandy,I dnt blog h8:

    This was soooooo HATEFUL! OMG!!

  79. Keri is d ish:

    yo dumb ass is so ignorant, look at u she does have hatrs look at all yaw belligerent asses, can u sing, can u dance,…… i dont give a fuck… u aint signed u dont have a video or shit yo ass can go 2 hell cuz its obvious keri hilson is of relevance n is a great talent cuz look at the esteem she gets from haters … TURNIN ME OFF… SORRY I WAS SO BELLIGERENT… DUMB ASS DAT MEANS AGGRESIVE, …… n if dis goes 2 a person who said sum positive its not 4 u its 4 d haters

  80. xXxLovely_LibraxXx:

    C/S
    Yeh her fashion may suck, her music is wack, and she can't dance, but DAMN, did you have to go that hard on her?? lol Her singin aint even that bad IMO

  81. CHITWNCHICK:

    LMFAOOOOOOO! THAT WAS FUNNY I DONT REALLY AGREE WITH THE WHOLE WISHING DEATH UPON SOMEBODY BUT BESIDES THAT I DONT FUCKING LIKE KERI BIRD LOOKIN ASS BITCH HILSON SHE IS A MESSY HOE AND SHE PROVED SHE IS A MESSY SPINELESS BITCH WHEN SHE WAS THROWIN SHADE AT CIARA AND BEYONCE I DONT LIKE THAT THE BITCH FINALLY GET A SONG ON THE RADIO THEN SHE WANT TO TALK ABOUT BITCHES WHO GOT MONEY AND BEEN IN THE GAME FOR YEARS BITCH WHO IS KERI HILSON!! HER 1ST ALBUM DIDNT DO SHIT THAT SONG DIDNT DO ALL THAT GREAT REAL TALK AND DONT NOBODY REMEMBER THAT SHITTY ASS SONG! AND SHE MAKE FAILED ATTEMPTS TO BE LIKE CIARA SHE CANT DO THAT AND SHE FOR DAMN SURE CANT BE BEYONCE OR ANYOTHER SUCCESSFUL BITCH WITH MONEY IN THE GAME SHE CANT EVEN BE BETTER THAN THE BEST VIDEO HOE OUT THERE EVEN WHOEVER THAT VIDEO HOE IS I PRETTY SURE SHE SHITS ON KERI IM SURE OF IT!

    P.S. YOU BIRD STANS NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP DONT COME AT JIA WHEN SHE CLEARLY SAID SHE DIDNT WRITE THIS AND DONT TELL HER WHAT SHE CAN OR CANT POST ON HER MUTHFUCKIN BLOG SIT YO ASS DOWN IF YOU MAD FUCKIN CLICK THE X BITCHES

  82. eXquiSiteAlien:

    Talent or no talent, Princey needs 2 accept Christ as his personal lord & savior. You can not love God & wish death on another person. U may have thought u were being funny but at the end of the day u made the public aware just how ignorant u are. Keri or the next artist can say what they want & do what they want bc they alone have 2 answer 4 their actions. Keri's fame is a part of God's plans so I beg you Princey 2 repent 4 using the Lord's name in vain & ask him 2 bless u w/ wisdom 2 understand y u r as pathetic as u r. Regardless of ur feelings about her talent, I ask each & every person who agrees w/ this 2 evaluate urself & seek God. That is all! May God show mercy on the ignorant 4 obviously none of u r aware of just how ignorant u r.

  83. @True_Sanctuary:

    Well…….damn. Aside from the death wishes this was funny as hell. I just think wishing death on someone is a little too far though. Yes, she isn't the most talented of the bunch but I don't think that constitutes as a cause for death.

  84. @mona_shay:

    LOL EPIC!

  85. @True_Sanctuary:

    After reading a post from Miss Jia, it's clear she knows that this person isn't really wishing death on Keri. I don't think she would have posted it if she thought he was serious. So in that aspect, alls well that ends well. It is his opinion and not everyone is going to like it or think it funny.

  86. Miss Jia:

    You're right. Everybody may not agree with the letter but I DO know the person who wrote it. I wouldn't agree to post it if I thought he meant REAL harm to Keri. It was just…a letter. Some folks are taking it WAY too seriously lol.

  87. Brandelah:

    I.CAN’T.BREEEEEEEEEVE!!!!! This has slayed me beyond slaying!

  88. destiny:

    damn…

  89. Ollie:

    ROFL!!! Number 3 and 5. LMAO! So funny! This needs to be framed and sent to her.

  90. WellDamn24:

    While the letter is inventive and creative, its pretty empty. It would be different if the LW was really breaking down something, but clearly somebody was saving all the disses he received in high school and puking them out onto this email. For her to draw out that kind of ire from a stranger speaks to him being nutty and not her being talentless.

  91. Kay_Ms420:

    I like Keri Hilson and her c.d. Her music is better than most people's who have been in the vocal game before her. I will never call someone who voices an opinion about another a hater, but this was WAY more than that. Princey, boo, you are a fuckin hater, point blank.So I have created my own letter for you………………

  92. WellDamn24:

    Princey sounds like he's jealous of her because he wants to BE her! Yikes!

  93. wow:

    GOT.DAMN.

  94. Gwendella:

    Sham effin wow lol

  95. @True_Sanctuary:

    I'm sure this is going to receive a negative response but….

    I understand what you are saying and all but maybe it would be taken in the light you intended if it wasn't in all caps and every other word wasn't a curse word…

    Just a thought.

  96. WellDamn24:

    I didn't know she left The Clutch. Big, BIG mistake. E'rybody wants fame. I guess she was seeing the folks who were in front of the camera saying, "I was scared to be up front 'cause I don't have it like THAT, but hell neither do they!"

    Chick is another negress in the world. What she gets, however she gets it, is no skin off my nose.

  97. @thepbg:

    Yes, that all caps looks like a big block of XX's. I can't even be bothered. I never read anything typed in ALL CAPS.

  98. @True_Sanctuary:

    This comment has given me life! Yes Keri has been in the industry for a minute but really, until she made this switch to being out in the forefront, no one even knew who she was. She doesn't have the notoriety needed to even classify to have "haters." Some people just need to stick with what works for them and in her case, it's song writing.

  99. @LisaGrayson:

    And this is why @dinastyinc will always be my bitch. Did you really have to dust off the Merriam's? Taking folks to school on a Federal Holiday…now that's what I'm talking about! You are my grammatical shero!

  100. @True_Sanctuary:

    I don't think he wants to be Keri at all…..you might be a tad off the mark with that one.

  101. WellDamn24:

    I agree. If you look at it strictly as satire, then in order to best relate to the letter I guess you'd have to feel the same level of strong emotion that Princey clearly feels about Keri.

    But for the rest of us, if we don't relate exactly to giving a d@mn about her or the strong emotion, then his letter can seem over the top.

  102. Blue Ranger:

    Agreed.

  103. Kyle:

    people will suck the laughter out of any and everything…that shit was hilarious, ain't nobody really wishing death on this Keri chick…haters??? that stranger bitch ain't big enough to have haters, she barely has fans

  104. @Drea1204:

    LMAO. Keri stan, fan (or not), you laughed hard as hell at this shit and you know it. To my fellow die-hard Keri fans, I'm sure it's not that serious to Keri. Get a damn grip on life? Thanks. -_- *as I walk away wiping tears* LOL.

  105. @ChaoticBeauty_:

    "i just thought haters where of the way of unicorns, the illuminati and The Dream's talent… fictional, non existent…"____Can I say I "heart" you for that analysis? YAAAAAASSSSSS!!

  106. tehBlah:

    I'm sorry, but this is absolutely pathetic. My want to continue coming to this site fades daily. Thanks Jia.

  107. @Joski_LOVE:

    Let's be absolutely clear, anyone who assumes that Keri Hilson has any fashion, talent or song writing ability is a FOOL. They're misguided and have been bamboozled by her, runs, poorly written sesame street lyrics and payless Grace Jones fashion.

    Anyone who feels they need to make an amendment to this reply that's not for the TRUTH. the door is that way —->

    Make sure you nod your forehead several times over until you realize we're right and YOU are wrong.

    Good day!!

  108. Marco :

    Yea I am disappointed that this was posted as well because while it was a bunch of shit and giggles. I do not condone anyone wishing death upon the next person. I agree that she can not sing but her album was dope and I think credit should be given where credit is due. Obviously she does have haters since the writer took time out of their non so busy life to come up with this. To each his own.

  109. str8fire:

    I thought it was hilarious! The only difference between her and Rihanna is that she can write music both are dry and boring ass hell on stage. I also think sensitive ass people need to stay off blogs Kerri Hilson wouldn't send you a $2.00 money order in the mail if your lights got shut off so stop defending this broad like she's family or something, and to everyone who says who has that much time to "hate" on someone and write that long ass letter, I'm sure it took you as much time to read it as it did for him to write it so get off the gas!

  110. @dinastyinc:

    Actually that can be questioned as well. Because she has stylists that dress her from head to toe (hair, makeup, clothes), so it's actually THEIR looks that they put together that we like so much. I wonder if Miss RiRi could do it on her own???

    And sex appeal….sorry, but I don't find her sexy at all. She's too slender, no real curves.

  111. @dinastyinc:

    And no punctuation? It's like one big ass run-on sentence. #icant
    LOL

  112. @dinastyinc:

    And here come the #crunkforChrist Bible thumpers.
    They never disappoint. LOL

  113. @dinastyinc:

    You would come in stirring up the mess! LOL

  114. Miss Jia:

    Let me make sure I help you with your decision as I block your IP. That way, you won't have to be bothered anymore.

  115. @BabyHairz:

    This ish right here was hilarious.. I didn't know Keri had so many stans, hell I didn't know she had fans period.. If you can't find the humor in this then please go look for it in the middle of 5 o'clock traffic..

  116. Jasmyne:

    yeah they are some serious haters….po' baby ain't got no life!!! SMDM!!!!!

  117. @kayyydub:

    ….So folks are jumping on the "I don't wish death on so-and-so" bandwagon today? Oh…okay…

    The letter…is funny. Shoot. I don't know the writer, but OBVIOUSLY if you have COMMON SENSE you can see the sarcasm and joking nature of the letter. If you'd like a more politically correct BLOG the door… —-> That way.

    & to the Keri stans telling the writer to get a life… I'm sorry… but you're life is just as pathetic if you have to live through it idolizing some "celebrity" and continuously putting them on a pedestal. There's MUCH MORE to life than some celebrity who DOES NOT KNOW WTF YOU ARE. *rolls eyes*

  118. Jadedior:

    This is so sad. How can someone with a receding hairline try and talk about anyone."ItsPrincess" is a bald headed,hair starting in the middle of of her head queen.Just like someone to down others to cover their own flaws.

    Also I think its sad that a site would promote such hatred toward someone.Not a fan of Keri Hilson at all but promoting death threats is crazy.Especially when someone has done nothing to you.

  119. jadeDior:

    Majority of the people posting negative comments about her wish they could be in her shoes.Instead of being behind a computer jobless,living at home with my mom and dad.Trying to figure out where their next meal is coming from.

  120. toni:

    Princey went a little too far…HOWEVER this read is right on the money honey..lollllll

  121. lol:

    Lmaoo loves it. Keri is nothing but a laughing stock. Coming for people who she'll never be as successful as. Beyonce being one of them, I don't even have to name her accomplishments. And coming for Ciara, when "Goodies" was very successful and she had 4-5 hits from it. Skeri Flopson only had like 1 hit on her flop ass album, and that's cause it had big names on it. Keri needs to learn how to respect her contemporaries before she can get respect from the general public.

  122. Samyzee:

    I didn't find this comical at all (though that was clearly the letter writer's intent) and not because I'm a Keri Hilson fan… I'm not. I just didn't find it humorous.
    Maybe because it was too crass for my taste? Maybe because it just seemed to go on forever? Maybe because the letter writer seemed to be trying too hard? Maybe because I don't care as much about Keri Hilson as many of you do?

    IDK… But I do look forward to future 'Dear Celebrity' posts since I thought the Ciara one was funny.

    (And Keri Hilson's looks, "abrasive," are they really? I think she's pretty. )

  123. Uglycleanbroke:

    I see the "Dear Celebrity" letter has brought out the stans once again. What exactly did everyone expect with these letters? Did we not read the post announcing the new feature? These are not meant to be fan letters professing our love for our favorite artists/actors, or giving them kudos for creating the song that we danced to with our first loves.

    As for the "wishing death" thing, I don't believe this was a serious threat on Keri Hilson's life. A couple weeks ago when The Dream had his snafu regarding the Aaliyah cover, there were a few folks (myself included) that *jokingly* suggested he kill himself….or self-inflict some other body injury to compensate for his indiscretion. I didn't REALLY want him to do it.

    Carry on.

  124. tehBlah:

    If you must, meh. Your Love, Miss Jia posts were often great and funny…these user submitted posts? No.

    And to clarify to everyone, because apparently everyone who hates this letter is a stan, I don't care for Keri Hilson. At all. I also have a dark sense of humor that matches few. If anyone can appreciate a good "kill yourself" joke, it's me. This letter is just filled with hatred. It's unnecessary.

    But whatever, I'm one measly, long time reader out of hundreds. What do I know?

  125. lau:

    OOP,
    the first person i thought of when i was reading this was Brian Bee from youtube.
    "keri hilson…who?"
    lmaaaaaaaaaaao

  126. Southerngyrl*:

    LOL exactly. Sorry, love Beyonce, Riri, and all others but none of these heifers exude actual talent in my eyes. I already told ya'll what I think real talent is.

    fyi – keri's voice is kind of annoying to me BUT much respect to her writing because barely any women are doing that these days.

  127. Southerngyrl*:

    I have to disagree. MLK, Malcolm, Obama and yes, even Jesus (good grief,why did you bring the Lord into this?) did NOT have haters. Motherfuckers wanted to and in those cases did ASSASINATE and CRUCIFY them. That is not the work of a hater. That is the work of a crazy ass network that not only hated them but despised their life's work and everything they stood for.

    Entertainers are not worthy of this analogy. Just my opinion.

  128. @playerette88:

    Princey…if you still had a love for vagina, I would sleep with you!!! :D
    This post gave me life!
    And for the people so worried about the "death threats"…
    *Joker voice* Why so serious? -__-

  129. Southerngyrl*:

    LOL. hilarity.

    I read this as, anyone who doesn't believe what I believe is WRONG and I am right. Sounds accurate?

    This is by far one of the most idiotic comments made. I am putting you up there with the illuminati folks.

  130. @dinastyinc:

    Oop! Read on, mama!

  131. missjia:

    So explain to me how one can appreciate a "kill yourself" joke but take issues with someone saying the exact same thing but with different words? I'm really curious.

    That's akin to someone saying "I can appreciate a good f-ggot joke but if you say I hate gays then I have to draw the line." What?

  132. LOL:

    AMEN!

  133. Miss Jia:

    So you've never said anything negative about any celebrity when you've gone to other blogs or message boards?

    Don't worry…I'll wait for the answer. Seriously.

  134. Miss Jia:

    ….and there it is.

  135. Marcus:

    - this is so sad , i'm sure if she saw dese she would just laugh cause priceyy hoe you are a hater dumdasz !!!!

  136. tehBlah:

    Not sure where that's coming from Jia, because no where in my original comment did I mention ANYTHING about the Keri Hilson "death threats." My grip is with the absolute ridiculousness of the entire thing.

  137. kay:

    Miss Jia… Come on, seriously?

  138. J-T:

    All I can do is SMH to this letter.

  139. Lady Wonder:

    Shut the fuck up!

  140. LeeLee:

    I think Keri has a decent voice. *shrugs*

  141. Kesh:

    Where was the funny in this letter? Damn! I must have missed it. It was entirely too long and whether the death threat was a joke or not all I read was pure hatred with or with out it.
    He damn near studied her to write this letter. I couldn't dedicate this much time to the talent-less.

    P.S. – I so read Beyonce stan all up and through this. Should of just wrote "Yours in Beyonce," b/c Christ ain't have nothing to do with this….

  142. woowoo:

    Wizzzzzzow!
    Princey may have been a bit abrasive, but my my my if he ain't throw the truth in the mix.
    I am sick of all these wanna-be ass singers trying to force feed their way into the industry. Everybody ain't meant to be the damn superstar. It's okay to get your shine behind the scene. Keri is no Neyo, and that's simply the truth!

  143. tehBlah:

    I too thought of a Beyoncé stan, but the writer seems to be, at least, somewhat literate. :P Jokes.

  144. USS:

    LMMFAO……this is the funniest post I have EVER read!

  145. Wehavechoices:

    You need holy water thrown on you. Horrible and so unnecessary, I bet your an ugly person with bad acne. Shame on you.

  146. maymajesty:

    Wow, that was a bit much. This shit right here snicka..not cool IMO.

  147. boudainballs:

    i bet you $5 this is a gay dude from the south side of Houston, TX. with that being said , now think…..The only people who can, for no good reason, hate another woman more than a woman is a gay man.

  148. SayWha:

    I must be a ghost because I don't see any of my comments.? Let me do a test……1, 2, 3……

  149. SayWha:

    I'm Alive!

  150. September Skies:

    Hmm why would post something like this, my face didn't crack a smile nor did I chuckle. I was really confused with the pure hate this letter is emitting.

  151. toni2real:

    ROTFL!!! OMG…that one line has slayed me! "i just thought haters where of the way of unicorns, the illuminati and The Dream's talent… fictional, non existent…"

  152. I FEEL THE SAME:

    HAHAHAHA…..THAT WAS SOME FUNNY STUFF AND I DO AGREE!!! , BUT I FEEL THAT EVEN STRONGER ABOUT NICKI MINAJ!!! UGH!!

  153. @ritzjwill:

    This sounds like a bitter loser who probly wanted to join her entourage and was denied because you lack originality, lame, keri is a beast end of discussion, you wish her dead HOW USELESS AND MISERABLE I YOUR LIFE lolol, ITS Ms. KERI BIIIIIIIIIITCH lol

  154. virgo914:

    Miss Jia, Why post this Fuckery?! This person clearing is not in a sane place.

    In the words of B.Scott " Bitch! Boo! Bye!"

  155. bknyc:

    Lol. Not at the letter. But at what prompted it. I respect everyone's right to an opinion and ablility to voice it. It just seems funny when Keri Hilson's musical career is enough to inspire it. While she's very attractive(IMO) and a talented songwriter her singing career is not really on that next level. Its nothing that would move me to attempt a satirical letter. Now Gucci Mane, I could publish 5 books on that dude..nah he's "turrible" but wouldn't take the 5 minutes to write him a Dear Celeb lol.Rather write a letter to the parks dept and see why they still haven't opened up the park in front of marcy pjs(Jigga's former residence). Kids can't spend another summer without their park.

  156. ALICIA:

    LMAO THANK GOD SOMEBODY SAID WHAT I WAS FEELING…THAT BITCH CAN'T SING TO SAVE HER LIFE…UGH I HATE HER……..UGLY ASS..SHE THINK SHE BEYONCE SHE NEED TO SIT DOWN

  157. Joseph McCoy:

    See what happens when you let a Queen (fag) blog?

    Jia, fire him.

    Wishing death is never cool no matter what type of point your trying to make.

  158. i dont understand..:

    what did keri hilson ever do to you princey? or should i say ciara.

    dont get it twisted, im not into her either, but eh, did she steal your childs lunchmoney? i dont get it..

  159. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!

    And 2 go as far as 2 wish DEATH upon some1….Yo, that goes BEYOND hating,
    that po thing (keyword, thing) SERIOUSLY needs an exorcism, cause ain't nothing, but
    GREEN EYED, BITTER, JEALOUS, HATING A$$ DEVIL! D*MN SHAME *smgdh*!

    And 2 think, KERI is supposed 2 be the 1 w/ the so-called problem…..Noooo my brotha,
    you a$$ is the 1 who has a f*cking problem!

  160. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    YEAH, I KNOW, typos!

  161. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!

  162. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, THE HELL HE DON'T!

    @WellDamn24 hit the nail EXACTLY on the head with that one!

    AND I COSIGN NIA'S COMMENT AS WELL….SO TRUE GIRL, SO TRUE!

  163. Kristina Aguilera:

    This was just wrong. LMAO He actually forgot to point out how many times she says MS.KERI BABY!!!!!

  164. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    @jj_88ak,

    CO muthaF*ckin SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  165. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    I'm sure you will.

    Only In America!

  166. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    Unfortunate 4 us?

    *crickets*

  167. Swinders_list:

    *flatlined*

  168. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    @eXquiSiteAlie,

    Thank you so much for that!
    That comment L.I.T.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y breathes LIFE into this dead, pethetic a$$ post!
    What a breath of fresh air, because I felt like I was suffocating, reading the other posts.

    So again, thank you….& I SO cosign!

  169. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    EXACTLY!

  170. @dinastyinc:

    Wow.
    Stereotype much?

  171. @dinastyinc:

    The f word though…..?

  172. Tia:

    I CANT EVEN DEAL OFF THIS LETTER OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! lmmfaoooooooooooo………listen….he could easily be called a hater…..but the way he worded this letter makes it hard to dislike him. I am not a keri fan either but this shit took the cake……..He is the KING of Dear___ letters PERIOD

  173. thegasp:

    OMG!! Ppl calm the f*ck down!!! Geesh it’s all comedy damn ppl need to get a sense of humor!! This was all in good sense and met for laughs ppl wanna take it to the next level ” omg he wished death on her” oh please it’s not that serious smh and he’s right keri should have stuck to what she did best which was write songs all these songwriters wanna be “entertainers” sit ya a** down cause not most of them can’t sing and most of them don’t have that it factor and keri happens to just be in both of those boats I’m sorry but she doesn’t do it for me like most of these “entertainers” out these days…

  174. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY, JEALOUSY….That's all this is, pure & utter JEALOUSY!

    Plain & f*ckin Simple!

  175. Yadda Yadda:

    I'm mad it ended with "yours in christ"

    phaaaaaaahahahaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaa

  176. shay:

    I aint going to lie I feel the same way..she should have stuck to just writing and left the singing to real singers. Real as shit!

  177. Robyn :

    ……WHAT!? lol Princey needs God…Not Keri ( although we all do)..but i'm just sayin. What in the world !

  178. Scrapper1:

    This letter is dumb and the person is outta their fuckin mind that wrote it.. 1)Keri Hilson is a fine ass woman..2)Her clothes are ok..she could wear a duffle bag and id wanna hit.. 3)her show money is crazy and her album selling,shud up.. 4)that letter you wrote is not only hate but Satanic also.I dislike ppl in life but to wish death on someone because you dislike them is nuts.. 5)Grow up..do like i do,if you dont like an artist,dont listen or watch..gtfoh HATER

  179. Joseph McCoy:

    Yes the F word, I said it because he's going her everything under the sun. How does it feel when someone disrespects him like that.

  180. Miss Jayy:

    Aww, so much drama from one lovely opinionated letter… I actually respect Sir Princey for speaking his mind rather than following the unrecognized stans, groupies, and wannabe's and supporting someone merely because that's what the bandwagon is doing. Now, I never loved Keri… I like some of her work. She's OK — average. She's not as great as some of these fiends are making her out to be, IMO.

    Go 'head, Princey, and wish what you want. Don't let anyone call you a hater just because you don't like her.

  181. yepmeagain:

    He sounds like a person who feels threaten that Keri Hilson is going to take the place of his favorite singer spot.I still hope Princey get's help cause even though Keri Hilson might not pay any of my bills. Him or his family doesn't either but I wouldn't accept a person wishing death on him or them.When you wish death on a person it only comes towards you before them. -i'm just saying-

  182. surchinformoi:

    I can only imagine if this letter was to Bey. *Snicker* Besides the whole die thing, it was indeed funny.

  183. tressiemcphd:

    I laughed, I cried, I filled out a tithe envelope!!! This fool had me at "per se"…cause you know no good can follow "per se"!!! LOL

  184. tressiemcphd:

    You just about nailed it.

  185. Jay:

    DAMNNNNNNNNNNN JIA, WENT HARD!!!!! LMAOOO GERLL GO HEAD!!!!!!!!
    FUCK THE PEOPLE BEING NEGATIVE TOWARDS THIS. THIS SHIT HAD ME ROLLING!!!!!!

  186. Mel:

    Everyone has a opinion, and to be honest i found this letter to be quite hilarious. Its just a post so why are some of you taking things so serious…like truthfully can any of you whole heartedly say Keri Hilson has an amazing voice and can dance her ass off *waiting* ….i didnt think so she has some nice songs but for people to get so defensive over someone else's opinion is ludicrous

  187. Jmilly:

    i agree

  188. gagirl:

    *ON OXYGEN* You folks are taking him way too seriously. That is some FUNNY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's not deranged nor is he hating. He's simply stating the things many of us have pondered a time or two before. He just gave that bitch the business though. DAMN!

  189. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    @ boudainballs,

    I SWEAR I was thinking the EXACT same thing…….That is too TRUE!

    *smh*

  190. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    COSIGN!

  191. Allergic 2 B.S.:

    *side-eye* *crickets*

  192. Miss Jia:

    I didn't write it. Read the disclaimer.

  193. Princess:

    i agree 100%

  194. @awesometragedy:

    This person is just evil. SMH

  195. FBTWT:

    WOW!!! This is a pretty demented letter. I understand everyone has opinions, and you're not going to like every artist (whether that depends on their music, personality, or both), but damn…did you have to go in like that? You have to be pretty off to wish death on a person who's never done anything to you personally. I don't understand why people take their time to comment (and write long ass letters) about a person they can't stand. I'm not a fan of Keri Hilson (I do like a couple of songs, but nowhere near a fan) but I do feel she's talented (more as a songwriter than a singer). Some folks need lives. And honestly Miss Jia, while the letter had some funny quotes, you really shouldn't have posted something that wishes DEATH on a person. Whoever wrote this needs some counseling to get all that aggression out. THAT SHIT AIN'T HEALTHY!

  196. bloggerfan:

    Actually you don't even have to know the letter writer to know this letter was scarcasm (at it's best i might add) you just really have to have a sense of humor and more than a 3rd grade education…

  197. @JaNieceLEE:

    adhfalsdf! People are mad…But if it was towards BEYONCE it would be a whoooole different story.

  198. IVY VANESSA AGBEKO:

    hu kers if beyonce is talentd……..MISS KERI BABE.

  199. Kaneckalar:

    How can you reference God so much is such a hateful and evil letter. This person must think that God is a fictional character who doesn't exist, to speak death on one of his children for the sake of humor. This letter is wrong on so many levels. If you don't care for her music, stop listening! The End!